I Can Only Imagine

One of my favorite songs is "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. I bought the CD in New Jersey while we were on HMA in New Jersey in 2004 and received word that my lifelong friend Patty had succumbed to her battle with cancer that November. I did a daylong drive from North Jersey to Dayton, Ohio for her funeral and listened to this song over and over in the car and let it permeate my being.

When my mother passed away a year ago yesterday, I suggested that it be played at her memorial service in Colorado and it did.

I've had a little insomnia tonight, so I got up and started putting in titles in YouTube and found "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. The video is well done and helps one imagine what life will be like again in heaven when we're with our loved ones who have passed away.

One of my favorite memories with my other kids was taking late night shifts when they were babies. We would walk around the apartment while I would rock them on my shoulder. For 2 of their births, I had the good fortune of having the 2002 and 2006 Winter Olympics right then, so we would watch the Olympics.

I was looking forward to late night shifts with Baby Jess. Sadly, this apparently wasn't meant to be.

It was strange in the hospital after hear lifeless body had been delivered to be able to hold her body, rock her, and tell her things some father/daughter activities that I was looking forward to, but wouldn't be able to do. I was looking forward to her joining the three others in creating a ruckus and sitting all 4 together on the sofa watching DVDs.

I was looking forward to her joining a new army of young children who would follow Jesus in new ways and start doing ministry even from the crib. Historically in France several centuries ago, there was a movement in the Cevennes region in the south where babies and toddlers were speaking God's words. While I don't know if God would use her in this particular manner, I did feel like she would have particular good works to accomplish on this earth and people to touch.

For some reason, she was meant to get promoted to the heavenly army immediately. This is one of those mysteries that I don't understand.

"I Can Only Imagine"

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

Fellowship of sufferings

We continue to appreciate the many phone calls and e-mail messages and Facebook ones that we are receiving. We have learned of many who have lost babies or brothers/sisters to miscarriages in the womb or at childbirth. I spoke over the phone with a collague who lost a child 2 months ago uner similar circumstances. I also spoke with a pastoral couple gifted in conselling and whom we met this past August in Switzerland and got some advice from th

I woke up this morning with some ideas about the memorial/funeral service. We have a date and a time and a place arranged now: Saturday morning at 11:00 a.m. at 48, Rue de Lille, Paris 75007 . I arrranged for a French pastor to do a 15 minute talk. We want lots of color, peace, creativity, and joy around this particular event. We want it open to all our friends, including those who are not yet followers of Christ.

We had to tell one of our neighbors about Jessica's death. She and her daughter were quiet the next few minutes. We'll need to be telling many others as well during the next few days, which could be difficult, especiallly for my wife. She doesn't like the prospect of responding to everyone about such a painful subject.

Tonight our kids, especially my son, were worried about Jessica being lost. My wife noted that he is like a shelte dog in that he tends to help all the kids get in the right direction, as well as wants to know where everyone is. He may need somehow for God to convince him (via dream or something) that she is ok and safe and with Jesus now.

My eyes are closing and I keep having my finger stick to thekeyboard and make funny words on this screen.

Strange last 48 hours

It was about this time 2 nights ago when we learned that Baby Jessica didn't have a heartbeat. The last 2 days have felt like a week in many ways. There has been much packed into them. It's like one of those typical French films where there isn't much action, but lots of psychological drama.

In many ways, it seemed like a stark contrast between Saturday and Sunday. Saturday was grey and rainy outside, while today, particularly this morning, was sunny and warm for November. We walked together as a family this morning (Sunday) and saw lots of color in the leaves. My wife picked up some of the leaves for an autumn basket. She commented on how these leaves show that there can be something beautiful even in death.

We had Pizza Hut pizza for lunch afterwards. With the other 3 births, I had a tradition of ordering P.H. pizza from the one right by the hospital and bring it to my wife's room a day or 2 after each childbirth. All 3 kids ate well, which is a good thing.

We've been overwhelmed by a wave of e-mails, Facebook messages, and phone calls these past 2 days. A number of churches have shared this with their congregations and prayed for us this morning. Sometime soon I'll need to formulate a formal e-mail announcement about Jessica.

Strangely enough, we have felt a lot of peace despite not having Baby Jessica in our home. This is certainly due to the large blanket of prayers for us from many caring friends. In this way, we are infinitely blessed.

Tomorrow (Monday) we plan on trying to work on some funeral arrangements. We're likely to have it at the chapel at the Diaconesses Hospital where all 4 of our children have been born. We'll probably try for this coming Saturday, if it is available.

My father arrives this Wednesday, as we had already scheduled. My wife's mother arrives on Tuesday and father on Thursday. So we'll have more family around than what he had previously expected 48 hours ago.

I've probably thought more about heaven during the last 48 hours than ever before. I'm curious to see Jessica fully grown and discover her personality. In that way, it's sad to have not gotten to know her hardly, except for her humerous way of finding the monitoring microphone with her foot and kicking it. But in graduating straight to heaven, she avoided all sorts of problems, trials, and tribulatiions that she would have faced on this earth.

When we told our children on Saturday night about Jessica not coming home and being with Grandma Dawn and Great Grandma Hazel, they all cried.

Our older daughter (age 5) seemed to be sadder about not being able to help with her, rather than about Jessica not being present with us. She already placed a claim, firstly for a baby boy, then changed it to an order for twins named John and Carissa.

Our son (nearly 7) displayed more sadness than I had expected about not having Jessica around. He hadn't shown much enthusiasm about Jessica's coming, so this surprised us. He has asked about her several times, so my wife lit a candle several times and explained that it was is to help us remember her.

Our younger daughter (nearly 3) also cried, but it seemed like her tears were primarily due to everyone else's crying. I'm not sure how well she understands the situation.

My eyes keep closing, so I'll sign off for now.

Jessica: our little angel with Jesus

This entry will be pretty raw and unsmooth. I'm not sure how to make it nice and pleasant.

My wife had been carrying our 4th baby for nearly 9 months. As of Monday and Wednesday monitorings at the hospital, the baby looked healthy and active. My wife felt stronger contractions throughout yesterday (Friday), so we arrived at the hospital at 1:00 a.m. this morning for what we felt would be another happy day. All our previous 3 deliveries have gone smoothly and we've enjoyed discovering each new child as he or she arrived.

After we checked in, we went to the monitoring room. I tried to watch the eyes of the midwives there to see reactions. Instead of the usual healthy heartbeat, there was no sound when they tried to find the heart. So the first one got a second midwife. Still no sound. So they got the doctor on call. When she didn't find anything, she said that she had the sad news that there was no heartbeat, which implied that our Jessica was no longer alive.

We went into a delivery room then and prayed against hope that God would heal our girl. The midwives gave my wife an epidural to ease the pain. The child that she delivered stillborn. But she looked so beautiful, with the same dark hair, small nose and other features of the other kids.

We had about 1 1/2 hours alone with our little girl's body. We rocked her, kissed her, and told her how much we had been looking forward to her being in our home. We prayed for God to miraculously raise her from the dead. But she remained lifeless with her eyes closed. The feet that had kicked the monitor in previous visits remained motionless.

I went in to the same room where our other 3 kids had been measured and weighed as babies. I remember our son christening the scale with his urine nearly 7 years ago. Jessica measured 49 cms. and weighed 3.1 kilograms.

We signed the papers for an autopsy to be performed on her. Afterwards, we will get her body back and have some type of funeral service. I have no idea how all this works in France.

My wife mentioned as we were caressing Jessica's body that Jessica hadn't felt as active as the other 3 kids had felt. So we wondered if there might have been physical problems with her that might have shown up later on.

Despite the terrible circumstances, we felt God's peace throughout much of the time at the hospital. Hundreds of people had been praying for Jessica and her delivery, so it's not that there was no spiritual coverage. We believe in a loving, all powerful, and merciful God, so we don't feel that this is just a chance happening or that God was powerless to do anything or disinterested in this whole situation. In this way, our faith has remained strong so far, although we are likely to struggle with existential questions later.

I got home at 6:30 a.m., right when the kids were waking up. I was able to call the grandparents and let them know. But I haven't told the kids yet. Hopefully my wife will get checked out in the early afternoon. We need God's wisdom to explain this to our kids.

I feel a mixture of emotions, including disbelief that this really happened, sadness that she won't be part of our family life after we were all so looking forward to her, bewilderment in trying to make sense of the whole situation, etc. I was looking forward to seeing her go through the usual grown processes and even willing to lose sleep over them.

Somehow I'll probably always feel that she is part of our family. I look forward to seeing her in heaven and discovering the person whom I didn't get to know on this earth. I can see her already being with my mom, her Grandma Dawn who passed away about a year ago now.

I've been fortunate so far to not have had to deal firsthand with a lot of deaths so far. Many others have wrestled with these situations way more often then me.

In some ways, it's probably easier to have her pass away now than it would be if she had already spent some time outside the womb in our household. But I still wish she was around this morning.

The words of Matt Redman's song "Blessed Be Your Name" popped into my head as I was driving home. Whether God gives or God takes away, His name is to be blessed at all times. This is just one of those times where this is more of a choice, than something based on happy feelings.

Manna today

During the last couple of weeks, the world has been going through a major financial crisis. Many people are concerned about their jobs, their savings, their retirement, and their future security. In my whole lifetime, I can't ever remember a time of insecurity quite like this one.

This weekend my wife and I have been trying to get more organized for the birth of our 4th child (and 3rd daughter) sometime in the next month. What started out as a project to get my wife's hospital bag packed has ended up a sorting of all the boxes and bags of children's clothing that we've accumulated in our apartment and storage space over the past 7 years. We have them separated in categories like 0-3 mos, 3-6 mos, 6-9 mos, 9-12 mos, 12-18 mos, 18-24, mos, as well as older kids clothes.

I've been amazed to discover all the beautiful clothes that we have for our kids. The majority have been gifts or hand-me-downs from friends or church. We have spent very little on children's clothing over the years. Some of the outfits all of our kids have worn over the years.

The clothes have been like the manna that God provided His people. Even yesterday, we received 3 bags of nice baby clothes from friends at our kids' school.

As I have thought about this, I've been reminded of God's provision for this practical need. In Matthew 6, Jesus said that we should worry about things like food and clothing, as God the Father knows ahead of time what we need. But it's easy to forget this. It's like when Peter got out of the boat, but then started sinking after he took his eyes off Jesus.

This afternoon after church, we watched the DVD "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." All our kids really enjoyed this, as did my wife and I. Seeing the Lion Aslan is a good reminder of who is the ultimate King over the stock market, governments, and everything.

This is a strange time. It is symbolized in many ways by the terrible season that the University of Michigan Wolverines are having in football. During the last 40 years, they have generally been a powerhouse team that consistently wins 8 or more games. This season, they are 2-4 and lost to a lower division team yesterday. I listened to the game and couldn't believe it.

Turning 47

Today is the 47th anniversary of my arrival on this earth. This is the first one that my mother isn't around to call me at 6:00 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, which was when I was born in near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Apparently, my parents had quite an adventuresome ride from their home on a small country road to the hospital.

This birthday snuck up on us. We've been so focused on getting our nearly 3 year old ready for preschool (she started this morning), as well as for the arrival of #4 in the next few weeks. We celebrated it yesterday with an easy, unrushed morning together, Pizza Hut take out for lunch, and chocolate birthday cake. We went to the later afternoon service of an international church and our kids enjoyed the English Sunday School.

I've received many kind words in e-mails, e-cards, Facebook messages, and will read my paper cards later today.

It's fun having the kids around for more recent birthdays. I guess it will be sad when they are older and not necessarily living close to me. It's hard to imagine that, by my mathematical mind reminds me that it's probably not that far off in the future.

I dropped our youngest at her first day of school this morning. Unlike our other 2 kids, this was entirely uneventful, with no tears or sadness on her part. As the school director said, she's been visiting this school since she was in my wife's womb. She looked all grown up in her dress and tights. It will be fun to hear her lunchtime report of her first day. It makes our mornings so much easier to not have to drop her off at the daycare center, even though she loved it there and the workers there are incredibly nice.

Wedding of an artist friend

On Thursday afternoon I received via Facebook an invitation to the wedding of Jaime and Anne Laure. Jaime is a professional dancer from Colombia whom we met at the Belleville Church 8 years ago. He was one of those eligible single Christian guys whom we hoped would find a good wife someday. It was with excitement that we recently learned of his engagement several weeks ago.

As their wedding was at the same district city hall of where we live, I decided to attend the civil ceremony. They accepted my offer to take photos. It was just a small number of us who were able to attend this ceremony.

A couple of days ago I read an excellent article in the Oct 2008 issue of EMQ online.com, a journal for those working in cross-cultural ministry. This current issue focuses on families in ministry, a subject that has been on my mind a lot in recent days.

Below are some points that resonated with me from Lila Balinsky's article titled "An Ordinary Family in Ministry."

"The most ordinary thing in the world is an ordinary man and an ordinary woman and their ordinary children." G.K. Chesterton captured, in this simplest yet most profound of phrases, the idea that the basic family united created by God is vital to mission in the world.

In this day of short-term missions and whizzing vision trips, the emphasis is usually on individual contribution to kingdom work. In no way is this article meant to demean the great contributions made by religious orders of single people or the dynamics of the short-term paradigm, for surely the command to go and disciple the nations is not restricted to certain social units. However, let's take a look at the family unit in mission. ..The missional dynamics suggested...are just as applicable across our hometown streets as they are across geographic boundaries.

Families are the core of a community. Anyone with children knows the impact of babies and children within a cross-cultural community setting. As a new missionary wife in Ethiopia, I knew we were being included in our new community when a venerable old mama poked her head inside our jeep window and spat a blessing upon the cheek of my newborn. I also remember saying to my husband when our three sons had all left Ethiopia for college, "I think we lack some luster in the total community now that our boys have left home." Even in our own churches and communities, we respect and enjoy observing a model family. Almost two hundred years ago, Rufus Anderson (1796-1880) missionary and administrator of the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions (ABCFM), wrote that "the heathen should have an opportunity of seeing Christian families." Mrs. Elizabeth Dwight, missionary to Constantinople in the 1800s, is reported to have said, "The heathen want not only ministries of the world, but pious, well-educated families...to be the living, bright examplies of the doctrines of Christianity (Robert 2005, 238)

A family in mission must also be given to hospitality. Someone has described hospitality as "an open door in and an open door out." Hospitality expresses all that you are as a family and all that you have to give, both inside and outside your home..."An open door out" means "get out" into the community, to your neighbors, to those different from you. Of course, there is always a balance between "get in" and "get out" and the best advice is "get it all together" before you do either. These decisions take the grace and wisdom of God on a basis.

I hope that Jamie and Anne Laure have a happy and productive marriage that makes them both more effective in their art forms. I hope that, in time, they have children as well. May they work together effectivelly for the Kingdom.